It's not
every day that you stare at the next chapter of your life and see nothing but
blank pages. Midway through the fifth decade, there are supposed to be all
sorts of things written down: calendar events, daily schedules, and a whole
host of presumptions that could take up every minute and even more if I but
acquiesce. Both the silence and the sea of unmarked parchment (AKA the blank
screen) just seem to stare back at me like I should know, without hesitation,
what to write, as well as how to live it.
The
frightened little voice of comfortable repetition raises himself to full
stature and a tone of deepest authoritarian bass, demanding that the previous
chapters be plagiarized, right now, with only minor modifications; just enough
difference to avoid a "Groundhog Day" feeling. I refuse; sitting,
staring, not knowing what to do, understanding only that "copy &
paste" will not suffice.
A voice
that speaks without sound makes it clear that the only thing worth filling
these pages with will be given, not by the elevated decibels of faux bravado
and anxiety’s pressure, but by the whisper of Hope; not on a schedule of my own
deducing, but in Kairos – that God-schedule that is usually beyond the nick of
time.
Seeking a
patient faithfulness that will not be intimidated by the heartbeat of urgency,
I sit and stare, hoping to find artistic expression that reflects meaning and
purpose: stick figures, muted pastels, or a few phrases and fragments that
might one day make some sense. Eventually, the day passes, and nothing stains
the pages/keyboard but the metaphorical tears of my waiting. "Tomorrow!"
I tell myself. “Tomorrow?"
Carry on,
not in the throes of melodrama, but rather in the palm of peace that passes
understanding.
© 2015
Todd Jenkins
This here was a serving of delicious truth:
ReplyDelete" voice that speaks without sound makes it clear that the only thing worth filling these pages with will be given, not by the elevated decibels of faux bravado and anxiety’s pressure, but by the whisper of Hope; not on a schedule of my own deducing, but in Kairos – that God-schedule that is usually beyond the nick of time."
And overall...I get it. Looking myself not for melodrama, but for peace. I've known the first and desire the latter.
Thank you, Becky. Those pressures and that drama can be quite powerful, or at least they can seem that way. I think they are one of the powers to which we can speak the truth of grace.
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