2 X 4

My magic did not help me at all and yet there was a fire in my bowels, a fire in my mind. When the sun rose, I thought, "My journey has been clean. Now I will go home from my journey." But, even as I thought so, I knew I could not. If I went to the Place of the Gods, I would surely die, but, if I did not go, I could never be at peace with my spirit again. It is better to lose one's life than one's spirit, if one is a priest and the son of a priest.

[from “By the Waters of Babylon” 

by Stephen Vincent Benét]

I spent the first 25 years of my life proving other people wrong. Whenever someone told me I couldn't do something, I set out to prove them wrong. At age 7, I was the left-handed shortstop no one believed in. At 10, I was the lefty catcher they said wouldn't work (using a first-baseman's mitt). At 15, I was a 155 lb high school defensive end. At 20, I was the assistant manager of a Sherwin Williams store. I started work there not knowing the difference between oil and latex paint. At 24, I was a Snap-On Tools dealer who knew nothing about tools and less about automotive and mechanical repair. Through the years, I began to realize that there's a lot less satisfaction and joy in either living up to or in opposition to what others think and say, than there is in finding your true self and purpose in life.

At first, when people started believing in me, I didn't know how to handle that. At 27, I went to seminary to prove wrong the people in our congregation who said they recognized my gifts and skills for ministry. My initial reaction was total disbelief. Through 3 years of study, experience, discernment, and the affirmation of professors, classmates, congregations, and my home presbytery, I began to understand that I do have that ability.

The older I get, the more I've learned to stop struggling against what others think of me, or even against what I think of myself. That doesn't mean I've succeeded at this, but I'm learning to trust God a little more. I'm trying to learn to discern how and where God is calling me in ministry without needing to be hit in the head by a 2X4.

Comfort and security are two of the most powerful impediments to this process. Once I become proficient at doing something, it's easy to fall into the belief that, whatever it is, I should just keep on doing it. That's when the gifts of curiosity and wonder step in to expand my view, challenging me to think and feel outside the proverbial box of routine. This can be quite anxiety-producing.

Into this fear that manifests tachycardia and elevated blood pressure, the Holy Spirit whispers, "Do not fear, for I will be with you."  I hear the message, but it doesn't always sink in. So she whispers again, "You are beloved. I've got this. You've got this. Go ahead, take the next step."

I protest, "But it's dark & I can't see where I’m going."

With all the gentleness of love she promises, "Step into the darkness. If there's no ground beneath you, I'll give you wings. If you land in the middle of an ocean, I'll teach you to swim. If you grow weary of swimming, I'll show you how to breathe underwater."

"Hold my hand!" I plead.

The assurance is, "I've got the whole of who you are and what you’re going to do held securely in the palm of my strong and tender hands."

Here I go.

© 2015 Todd Jenkins